popcorn (films) wrote,

depression hits again

Over the last 2 days Feb 13-14th i have had anxiety it just feels like its everything going on. I know that work sure does give me that for many reasons such as
-the constant music they play (over and over and the same songs for the last almost 3 yrs)
-songs about summer time (what month is it?)
-seeing really really over weight people
-my job in general.

It was to the point where on the 13th i had to go in the back and sit down for a bit and try to calm down.
Depression has also sunk in by the way once again aka sean has the blues!
When i came back out and i was doing my job i felt like i was going to cry.

Happy Valentines Day by the way.

I gave my mom some red roses and a small bag of candy. She gave me a cute mickey mouse card and $20 for fun money to spend it on but i did not find anything fun.

Yesterday was also tough. Sure i wished everyone a happy valentines day and i told people to treat them selves to something special. but you know what? i just did not and still do not feel special. I was happy on the outside (to a point) and sad in the inside. i could feel it. Also they music was bothering me and just i felt really bothered and upset. i was all tense inside, i felt like my blood pressure was also going up. I also at one point wanted to cry again. Also they had me running all over one side of the store doing 3 depts. jobs. aka returns and onto of that i had work that i had to do.

I then come home, tired and still upset. I go onto Facebook and i found my old friend kelly has a boyfriend. that made me sad. why does it make me sad? I guess its because 20 years ago i had met her and she was the first girl i had loved in my life. As you kind of know it she loved me but not the same way as i loved her. it was kind of a one way love. Not going into our story. But she looked happy in her photos with her boyfriend. Better to love and loss then ever loved at all. It just made me think that i am still single. people say if you want a nice girl go look for one. your not in my shoes for one. seems like the only girls i talk to are the ones at work and i do not want to go out with anyone at work...and most of them go out with each other anyways.

So anxiety and depression all around. I called into work...taking a mental health day off. I hope i feel better about me and my life. because right now i dislike me.
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